7.07.2005
It's me!
What?? Where? (Turning around to see what's behind me...) It's been so long since my last post, I was worried that Blogger might not recognize me when I logged in. So it goes.
I didn't feel much like writing after my stepdad died in May. Actually, I did feel like writing, but I didn't feel like blogging, because I didn't know what to say on my blog about such a loss that wouldn't sound trite. All I came up with was the following sentence: "I can't wrap my mind around the concept of my mother as a widow." It's been rougher for me for her than it has been for me alone, leading her and others to suggest that perhaps I'm not really dealing with it. Perhaps I'm not. Time will allow me to do that, and if not time, then therapy. I want to go to LSU's counseling center, but it's hard for me to get started with therapy, the same way it's hard for me to get started with anything unknown. Give me time.
One of the amazing things about a person dying, which I think is sort of his last gift to us after he dies, is that loved ones gather to remember him and enjoy each other's love and support. Everyone always says something like "Terrible circumstances, but it's great to see you." It was hard, but I felt so blessed to spend time with my stepsisters (plus sig others and my new nephew), my stepbrother, my grandparents, and my aunt and uncle from Colorado. The house was full, and people were everywhere, which Bill would have just loved. We did a remembrance thing hosted by my uncle, who's a minister, and we shared memories and wrote down words that attempted to sum up Bill's amazing life on post-it notes. It can't be done. One of the things I've recently learned about memory is that there's an inherent logic in the fact that we don't remember every single thing that's happened to us. We forget some things, we augment emotions of other things, all in an attempt to make our experiences meaningful. If all I had was an objective memory file of every time Bill touched my life, it would be complete, but cold. As it is, I have meaningful memories of his ridiculous sense of humor, his laugh (when his lips disappeared), his "yello" as he answered the phone, the way he loved my mom, the manner in which he lived respecting others, the way he struck up conversations with grocery store clerks and other people the rest of us sometimes ignore... we're all better for having been influenced by him.
I hope you'll remember to check back here if you've gotten out of the habit, now that I'm a participating member of the blogosphere again. I'll give you a few days to adjust to my reentry. =)
I didn't feel much like writing after my stepdad died in May. Actually, I did feel like writing, but I didn't feel like blogging, because I didn't know what to say on my blog about such a loss that wouldn't sound trite. All I came up with was the following sentence: "I can't wrap my mind around the concept of my mother as a widow." It's been rougher for me for her than it has been for me alone, leading her and others to suggest that perhaps I'm not really dealing with it. Perhaps I'm not. Time will allow me to do that, and if not time, then therapy. I want to go to LSU's counseling center, but it's hard for me to get started with therapy, the same way it's hard for me to get started with anything unknown. Give me time.
One of the amazing things about a person dying, which I think is sort of his last gift to us after he dies, is that loved ones gather to remember him and enjoy each other's love and support. Everyone always says something like "Terrible circumstances, but it's great to see you." It was hard, but I felt so blessed to spend time with my stepsisters (plus sig others and my new nephew), my stepbrother, my grandparents, and my aunt and uncle from Colorado. The house was full, and people were everywhere, which Bill would have just loved. We did a remembrance thing hosted by my uncle, who's a minister, and we shared memories and wrote down words that attempted to sum up Bill's amazing life on post-it notes. It can't be done. One of the things I've recently learned about memory is that there's an inherent logic in the fact that we don't remember every single thing that's happened to us. We forget some things, we augment emotions of other things, all in an attempt to make our experiences meaningful. If all I had was an objective memory file of every time Bill touched my life, it would be complete, but cold. As it is, I have meaningful memories of his ridiculous sense of humor, his laugh (when his lips disappeared), his "yello" as he answered the phone, the way he loved my mom, the manner in which he lived respecting others, the way he struck up conversations with grocery store clerks and other people the rest of us sometimes ignore... we're all better for having been influenced by him.
I hope you'll remember to check back here if you've gotten out of the habit, now that I'm a participating member of the blogosphere again. I'll give you a few days to adjust to my reentry. =)
Labels: family, my stepdad, observations
- posted by erica 7/07/2005 05:06:00 PM
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Comments:
I am really sorry to hear about your stepdad... i am just a student of yours but i saw you had a website and went to it. I just wanted to let you know that time does help to heal, i recently had my grandfather and one of my close cousins(who was only 21 years old) die with in a three month period. It was the hardest thing i have ever gone through and i still struggle with it sometimes, but as you said, you should concentrate on the good times and not the bad. You know he is watching over you and your family wishing you all to lead a happy and fun life, not a sad and mournful one. i just wanted to say i am sorry for your loss and God bless.
# posted by 
: Thu Jul 07, 10:22:00 PM EDT
: Thu Jul 07, 10:22:00 PM EDT
Aw, that's so sweet that one of your students commented. =)
I was beginning to wonder where in the blogosphere you had gone, and knew that you'd post something when you felt ready. I've wondered how you've been feeling about all this, and hope you are able to make the step to go to the counseling center. You know I have to advocate for that! =) Even though it's been ages since I've had to call you at your mom & Bill's, I'm very much going to miss his "yello"'s answering the phone. Bill was quite the cool step-dad, for all of us when we visited him. He certainly put up with a lot of noise & craziness from us. :)
Hopefully one of these months we'll be able to try the Atlanta trip again and have a fabulous girls weekend. It'll do you some good!!
Good luck with the end of summer session stuff, and I can't wait for more regular witty Erica posts! And how about some new photos of the house?!
I was beginning to wonder where in the blogosphere you had gone, and knew that you'd post something when you felt ready. I've wondered how you've been feeling about all this, and hope you are able to make the step to go to the counseling center. You know I have to advocate for that! =) Even though it's been ages since I've had to call you at your mom & Bill's, I'm very much going to miss his "yello"'s answering the phone. Bill was quite the cool step-dad, for all of us when we visited him. He certainly put up with a lot of noise & craziness from us. :)
Hopefully one of these months we'll be able to try the Atlanta trip again and have a fabulous girls weekend. It'll do you some good!!
Good luck with the end of summer session stuff, and I can't wait for more regular witty Erica posts! And how about some new photos of the house?!
Welcome back, E! Like Nicole, I knew you'd come back when you were ready...and the timing of it suggests that Katherine's visit was good medicine. :-) Ditto to Nicole on posts of the house. Will we be able to see the steam coming off the ground from the heat & humidity? LOL.
I'm counting the days until the release of Harry Potter 6, waaa hoo!! Are you? I don't think that I will go to the midnight release party, but I've already warned Steve that we're going to Barnes & Noble bright and early on Saturday. I recently read a news article about security changes for the 6th book--secret warehouses, punishment to vendors who put it out early last time, etc. I wonder if Jack's old manager at the bookstore is letting employees read them in the back of the store again this year??
I'm counting the days until the release of Harry Potter 6, waaa hoo!! Are you? I don't think that I will go to the midnight release party, but I've already warned Steve that we're going to Barnes & Noble bright and early on Saturday. I recently read a news article about security changes for the 6th book--secret warehouses, punishment to vendors who put it out early last time, etc. I wonder if Jack's old manager at the bookstore is letting employees read them in the back of the store again this year??
Thankfully, Jack's old manager from Waldenbooks is no longer working there... the last sighting of her was at Target, where she was an assistant manager, but we haven't seen her lately. And when HP5 came out, I think there were stores that didn't get it right away or didn't get enough copies, because they had released HP4 early. But I could be wrong; I just remember hearing that. We're probably going to the release party at Books-A-Million, even though I have an take-home exam and an in-class exam the next day. =) They're not until the afternoon, so I'll probably be up a good bit of the night studying anyway. Might as well take a study break and spend a few moments with screaming children in costume.
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