I'm missing my son's first fireworks because I'm sick and because it's stupidly hot outside. It's 8:45 p.m., and it's 93 degrees outside with a heat index of 99. What the #$%@? I've felt lousy all evening, so I'm at home with a bowl of Crispix, watching the episode of When Weather Changed History about the Challenger explosion. Interesting show, especially since I was only 5 years old when it happened and didn't really get the details at the time, but I'd much rather be watching Kent spazz out on the levee while watching the fireworks.

It was important to me that Kent still get to do it now that he's old enough to watch them, even if his preggo mom didn't feel up to it, so Jack took him a little while ago, and now I'm feeling sad and lonely. I wondered after they left whether there was a place we could have watched from the comfort of our car, but it's not really possible to get close enough to see and still escape the hoards of traffic, and it'll be way more fun for Kent to be out on the levee with his fun daddy anyway. And there will be more fireworks in years to come. I'm just bummed that I'm missing this. Oh well. Beta will get his/her first fireworks later, and at least I should be around for that, unless I lose my mind and decide to get pregnant again. Hey, future Erica, when you're reading this and reminiscing about pregnancy and tiny babies, remember that the first trimester is MISERABLE. SERIOUSLY. And you're older than I am now, so if you find yourself wanting a third child, you should probably adopt.

We got some disappointing news at the pharmacy today. I've been taking the generic version of Zofran, the best defense for most women against pregnancy nausea, for the last week and a half. It doesn't keep me from feeling queasy, but it does keep me from throwing up. I got my first round of 12 pills for less than $8, but I took my last one this morning, so I was ready for a refill. We went to pick them up this afternoon, and the pharmacist informed us that our insurance would only cover 12 pills every 23 days, and not enough time had passed yet, so we'd have to pay out of pocket. $120 for another 12 pills, I kid you not. How we go from $8 to $120 is a mystery to me, but it's completely frustrating. I didn't buy them. I figured I'd just deal with it until the middle of the month when I can get another refill, and Jack is going to call our insurance company to make sure that it's all true and to try to figure out if there's anything we can do besides lodge a serious complaint. I've not ever really felt like the victim of a stupid insurance policy before, but now, I'm upset. Are they thinking that I might only be sick on alternating days?? I'll probably only be sick for another month or so anyway; could I just get an advance on my future allowance? I know they wouldn't do that. Dumb, all of it. This is nothing compared to what Nicole has gone through for her insulin pump and supplies, or what people with expensive and very serious diseases like cancer have to endure, but I'm still questioning the wisdom of this policy, especially as it affects my ability to parent Kent and to feel like I'm maintaining my own health while I carry a baby.

So, uh, Happy 4th of July. I should just go to bed.

Labels: belly, holidays, Kent, what to watch

• posted by erica 7/04/2009 09:41:00 PM
•  1 comments

People in Louisiana say that someone "makes" a certain age rather than "turning" it, as in, "He just made 2 last week," and it always sounds funny to me, like it was some big accomplishment that the child got to another year in one piece.

Anyway, my boy is 2. Wow. He's practically a grown-up.

The birthday yesterday was great fun. We rushed around in the morning, making wraps and a last-minute run to the grocery store for ice and other essentials, and we got to the sprayground a little before 10 to set everything up. Friends trickled in over the next half hour, and we had a small but very nice little group to help celebrate. It's really too hot to have an outdoor party in July, even though we were in the shade, so we'll have to hold off on doing that anymore until we move to a cooler region. Someone mentioned to me yesterday that having a February baby seemed like a great plan to contrast our summer boy.

We had a book swap for all the kids so that everyone got to leave with a new book, and the kids all enjoyed playing in the water, eating the Nemo cake, and investigating their treat bags. Our camera forgot to come with us, so I'll have to get photos from friends to fill you in on the visual aspect of the party. Much food was consumed and celebrating done, but heat and naptimes forced us all to leave by about 12:30.

Kent and I both took a long nap when we got home — the sprayground is very skilled at making him tired enough to sleep 2+ hours, so that was nice. When he finally woke up a little after 3, he and Jack got father/son birthday haircuts (Kent is SO calm during the haircut process, which always makes me feel very lucky), and then we came back home to give him a few presents, including some from friends and family. We've been spacing out his presents from us over the last several days, and he'll have more arriving in the mail soon, so he gets a nice long, extended birthday celebration with a new toy/activity each day instead of a flood of new presents. We learned this past Christmas that he's really not impressed by opening a bunch of stuff all at once; one toy at a time is plenty for him, which is reassuring and lots of fun for us, too.

After presents, we went to Izzo's (a local burrito place like Qdoba and Chipotle) for dinner, one of my favorite joints that has food we all really enjoy, and Kent got phone calls from many people who wanted to sing to him and/or otherwise wish him a Happy Birthday. He loves helping to sing Happy Birthday to other people, supplying the "you" at the end of each line of the song, so he got a big kick out of hearing it directed toward him. Actually, when I sang it to him in the morning, he told me afterward that he wanted to sing it to me next, so I tried to explain that it was only his birthday, not mine. Sweet, no?

Kent played with some of his new stuff for a little while longer after we got home, and then we put our loving, funny boy to sleep and bid his birthday adieu. Jack and I were both in bed by 9:30, a true rarity these days. Generally what has been happening since I've started feeling rotten is that I go to bed by 9, and Jack stays up catching up on chores and wasting time on the internet until 10:30 or 11 since I'm not around to make him go to bed, though he always regrets it in the morning. I insisted that he get some sleep last night, even though there were many dishes in the kitchen and other stuff he could have been doing. He's a real superdad these days, picking up all the slack I'm leaving all over the house. I'm already coming up with ways to make it up to him once I start feeling better (in addition to the fact that he, like me, gets a baby at the end of it).

I'm amazed that Kent is 2, and yet it's also completely expected and normal. We were having a little talk the evening before his birthday, him sitting naked in my lap before his bath, about the day he was born and how exciting it all was. I told him he was all wet and wrinkly, but he was beautiful and had a wonderful nose and great eyelashes, in addition to just being an amazing gift to Jack and me.

This year has seen him walk, run, start to use real language and amuse us with all the strange things he says, make friends, develop an interest in Sesame Street and Finding Nemo and Hello Dolly and all his other favorites, learn new methods of destruction, learn to throw a ball, talk on the phone with his grandparents, share, take, whine, whisper, sing, rhyme, clap, march, tiptoe, water plants, drink from a big boy cup, use utensils, "help" in the kitchen, memorize books, kiss, hug, and say "I love you." What else is there in life? Maybe math skills and social awareness, but that's about it. Oh, and the potty thing.

There will undoubtedly be more mysteries for us to uncover each year as our little boy makes his way in the world. He's off to a fantastic start, this two-year-old of mine.

Labels: eating out, getting older, husband things, Kent

• posted by erica 7/04/2009 12:38:00 PM
•  0 comments

Oh my. Pregnancy and an almost-2-year-old. And that almost-2-year-old's birthday party in two days. It's getting exciting, people.

Yesterday was a rotten day in terms of how I was feeling. It was my first throw-up day, and I just wanted my mommy. I think I only had about three of those days when I was pregnant with Kent (though I had my two and a half months of constant nausea and motion sickness), and all of the incidents occurred when I was rushing around and trying to get a lot done. My favorite memory is of being doubled over by the side of I-10 on the way to the airport at Christmas, then getting to the airport too late for our very early flight because I just couldn't get it together. While I was being sick yesterday morning, Kent was in his room playing, and for some reason he found the sound of it hilarious, so he was giggling the whole time. I thought, "Well, at least I'm entertaining him." It actually made it a little more bearable, surprisingly. Afterward, we got through a fun playgroup and made it home in one piece, but once I realized he wasn't going to take a nap when we got home, I completely ran out of energy and spent the rest of the afternoon lying on the sofa with movies in the DVD player. Every time I moved, I felt the nausea hit me again, so I tried to remain motionless except for cooking myself a potato in the oven. I managed to hold off on calling Jack until 3:30, when I begged him to come home an hour early. Yeck. I'm really thankful that I have that option, but I can't do it often, or he won't have any vacation time for travels or for when the baby comes.

And there's Kent's party. I'm excited, even though I feel like crap on toast most days. Party prep is going well so far, and things are mostly under control. We're going to have a sunny (read: ridiculously hot) morning at the sprayground with friends, lunchy foods and a cake, and a book swap for all the kids so that everyone gets to go home with a new book and nobody feels like they have to bring a gift for Kent. There are a few gazebos at the sprayground, and a friend of mine who lives nearby has offered to get there early to help claim a gazebo, so we should at least have some respite from the sun while we're eating and visiting. When I asked Kent about a cake several months ago, he informed me that he wanted a yellow cake with blue frosting. This quickly became a Nemo party in my mind, so we're having Nemo and fishy decorations. I'm trying this recipe and making blue cream cheese frosting instead of the whipped stuff it calls for, because I never get tired of cream cheese frosting. Also, I assembled all the little treat bags today, with stickers, Swedish fish, Goldfish crackers, Nemo splash balls (we have to have SOME kind of water toy), and a fun squiggly straw for each kid. Tomorrow's highlights will include grocery shopping for the remaining lunch items, and baking the cake. I'm also working in some rest time, since our wonderful friend Mary is taking Kent for part of the afternoon. I have really needed some rest time lately but have felt like a totally lame mom for popping him in front of a movie every day, even though I keep telling myself that it's only for the next month or so.

The reason we're not having enough rest time is that Kent's naps have been sporadic for the last couple of weeks, because we've weaned. Celebrate this new phase of his big-boyhood! I always had nursing until age 2 in the back of my mind because of the World Health Organization's recommendation about how long to breastfeed, so considering we made it to within a week of his second birthday, I'm pretty happy with how the whole thing went. I had an incredibly easy time nursing him from practically the first day and felt so lucky that our nursing relationship was so long and prosperous, but it was time to nudge him off of that one last naptime nursing each day so that I could have my boobs back for a few months. They were telling me how ready they were, and I strongly believe in listening to my pregnant body when it tells me that it would like to devote all its resources to growing a new baby. Kent doesn't seem upset to have given it up, because we (Jack, Kent and I) talked for a couple of months about how he's growing up and doesn't need to nurse all the time the way babies do, and we also told him that soon it would be time to say "Bye bye, ya ya" (his word for nursing). There was also lots of positive encouragement about all the things he can do now that he's getting bigger, just so he doesn't think that growing up only means giving up things he likes. I loved involving him in the process instead of just springing it on him, and I think that if he were a pacifier kid I would have wanted to do the same thing. It's good for both of us that he's weaned, and since he was only nursing once a day, I haven't felt any ill effects like engorgement; the only ill effect is that it's very difficult to convince him to take a nap without that cue he's so used to having. Some days, I'm able to get him to fall asleep in the car and then put him in his bed when we get home, but if he's been asleep in the car for longer than 15 minutes, it doesn't work and he's just awake for the rest of the day. No amount of naptime routine seems to be doing the trick, and I'm not sure whether we'll ever get him back on a predictable after-lunch nap the way he was before. Several of my friends here in town have kids slightly older than Kent who have given up napping, often around the time they weaned, so I guess I'm bracing myself for the possibility that he's just going to be awake all day, every day. I feel like he still needs that afternoon nap, but if I can't help him fall asleep, we're kind of stuck. Anyway, that's not for any of you to worry about — I just wanted to share it.

Kent has made great strides with potty training lately, starting to tell us when he needs to go (though so far, it's only a couple of times a day that it occurs to him). I'm so proud of him, and he seems to be getting that it's something he should be proud of, too — he gets especially excited when he makes a poop in the potty and I sing the poopy song I made up for him. Today, he pooped on the potty shortly after we finished watching A Bug's Life, and Kent looked down in the potty and remarked, "K have grasshopper poopoo." I guess it's because it was brown like the grasshoppers in the movie... he says all kinds of weird stuff these days, and I love it. I decided that once I kick this first trimester nonsense, we're going to shift potty training into a higher gear, perhaps taking the bare-bottom approach and certainly getting some training pants. It would be amazing if he were mostly done with training by the time the baby comes, though I'll certainly expect accidents and some regression when he and I are both faced with such a drastic change to our routine.

In other news, Jack has basically taken over the gardening duties for two reasons: (1) I *hate* going outside in this heat wave, and (2) fresh vegetables are really getting to me, a random and most unwelcomed consequence of the first trimester. The sight/thought/mention of fresh tomatoes actually makes me gag. How bizarre is that, given my usual adoration of them?? I don't like it.

I was thinking yesterday about all this sickness and how I thought when I was pregnant with Kent that maybe we'd just have one kid, because it would be very hard for me to gear myself up for feeling this way again. Of course, I did it again anyway, and I don't think it's because I forgot how it felt. I think it's analogous to the 20-some-hour flight to Australia. If you want to see Australia, you just have to take that incredibly long flight. But then you're there, and you see Australia, and you think it was totally worth it even though the flight was obnoxious. This is all idle speculation, since I've never been anywhere in the Southern hemisphere, but I'm guessing that's what it feels like. So I get through it, because I love my son more than anything and I want him to have a sibling, and I want us to have another child to share our lives with.

And I'm still happy, even in the midst of feeling like crap on toast.

Labels: belly, Beta, flora, greening, Kent, kitchen adventures, LLL

• posted by erica 7/01/2009 08:41:00 PM
•  5 comments

Our first glimpse of Beta at this morning's ultrasound. What a fun day. We got to hear the heartbeat and see the tiny fluttering muscle, and then the tech zoomed in on various things to measure and check out all the bits. Everything is completely normal so far, exactly the right size for this point and confirming my calculated due date of February 6 (go, Fertility Awareness!). In case you're not an early ultrasound pro, the baby is facing downward, so the biggest part at the bottom is the head, and the round blob over on the right is the yolk sac. Sort of looks like a baby if you hold your head just right. Kent came along and sat in Jack's lap, though I'm quickly becoming aware of the fact that I won't be able to take him along on every appointment if Jack isn't able to go. I think he'll be spending some quality time with friends so that he doesn't try to climb all over me and whine obsessively while I'm being examined.

Our first appointment with one of the midwives (Colleen) was yesterday, rescheduled from last Thursday when they had a couple of deliveries, and it was awesome. Amazingly different from an appointment with my OB, completely confirming my choice to switch primary care providers for this pregnancy. Colleen was conversational but obviously very experienced, and she even tried to come up with things to help entertain Kent (not an easy task). We'll probably see each of the three midwives throughout the pregnancy, just so I'm comfortable with whoever is on call the day I deliver. There are a couple of doctors who work with them at the hospital if there are complications, so I might try to meet with a doctor at some point, though I haven't decided whether I think that's necessary.

I felt so happy after our appointments yesterday and today, since we know everything is great so far and have gotten to catch a peek at our little one. I'm feeling like kind of a lousy mom to Kent right now, though, since I'm tired all the time and my patience doesn't go very far. He seems to be extra clingy, probably sensing my pulling away, so I'm very, very tired, both emotionally and physically. He didn't take a nap today, which only happens once in a great while, so he and I were both pretty sick of each other by the time Jack got home this evening. I'm really looking forward to the second trimester, which will thankfully come right around the time the weather starts to cool down, when he and I can actually do fun things together again.

I have just decided that I am in serious need of some Life cereal, comfort food from weekends spent at my dad's house when I was a kid. I made a sort of alfredo pasta thingy with asparagus tonight, but it's not sitting so well in my tummy. Jack is going out after he gets Kent to bed so that he can buy my car a new battery (oh, that was an extra-fun part of our very hot day, too), so I'm going to rub my belly to remind him of his impending progeny while I sweetly ask him to go to the grocery store on the way home. He's pretty good at taking care of me, so I bet he'll do it.

Labels: belly, Beta, husband things, Kent, photography

• posted by erica 6/24/2009 07:58:00 PM
•  3 comments

is at a premium. My eyes start to hurt and my stomach starts to do flip-flops if I stare at the screen for too long, so I'm trying my darnedest to get blogging, email, and Facebook stuff done quickly each day. I think I'm about five days behind on reading status updates on FB. Oh well. It can slide.

I felt like crying this morning when it was time for Jack to leave for work, because I was so very tired and had no idea how I was going to get through the day. I've surprised myself by being a lot more productive than I thought I'd be, which helps my general mood and distracts me from wanting to throw up. I realized that if I plan to do productive things right after I've eaten, I can do a lot more, and then I can sit and chill, languish, lie on the sofa and moan, etc., afterward until it's time to eat again. I'm seriously eating about every 2 hours. I have to, so that my stomach doesn't get completely tied in knots and so that I don't feel like I want to die.

This morning, after my second or third breakfast (I forget which), I did all the chopping and prep work I could do for tonight's red beans. It's a nice low-maintenance dish that just has to simmer for a long time once it gets started, and I'll be able to wait until Jack gets home to do the grits and okra, or guide him through it verbally while I lie on the sofa and moan. I also managed to make the salsa that I've been meaning to make since Saturday with CSA produce, despite Kent's protests of "No loud!" once he realized I was going to use the food processor. I framed a Rainbow Fish print for Kent that's also been on my to-do list for a while, and now I'm enjoying his nap and am about to go lie down.

I'm really excited for our midwife appointment on Thursday. Kent and I took Celia to the vet this past week for a UTI (which has finally passed, thank goodness), and when they used an ultrasound machine to look at her bladder, I got all eager to see my little Beta embryo on a similar ultrasound and for Kent to get his first glimpse of his little brother/sister. I know there's going to be a long conversation with the midwife about the pregnancy, past history, plans for the birth, etc., and I'm not sure how long Kent will hold out, but we'll try to bring activities for him to do so that he's not bouncing off the walls and trying to talk to us the whole time. Uh, who am I kidding here, really?

We're going up to Baltimore this weekend to meet Emerson and visit with Jack's family, and even though I'm looking forward to the trip, I'm also not sure how I'm going to get through all the plane riding with the Squirmy Worm on my lap. My lap is rather unforgiving of squirmage these days. It's going to be wonderful to see everyone and let Kent meet his newest cousin, though, and we're working in a visit with Morgan and Brian on Sunday as well. I just need to make sure I have snacks on me at all times. W00t.

Okay, rest time for Mommy. Just wanted to check in.

Labels: belly, Beta, Kent, kitchen adventures

• posted by erica 6/16/2009 01:16:00 PM
•  9 comments

We're having another baby!

The baby is due around February 6, and we'll be finding out the sex again, probably around September unless our midwife decides to do it earlier. Yep, that's right, midwife. I didn't have a bad experience with my OB, but I do think that a lot of doctors (mine included) tend to look at pregnancy and childbirth as something that's automatically dangerous and that should be scheduled/intervened if possible, rather than celebrating the birth of a child and facilitating what our bodies are meant to do. We have our first appointment with her on Thursday; I've heard such good things about this midwife and the others in her group that I made an appointment with her without even having met her. We'll still be birthing at a hospital, since the nearest birthing center is over an hour away in Lafayette, but I'm optimistic, especially since I had a low-intervention birth (i.e., no pain killers) with Kent at another hospital and know even more about what to expect from my body this time. This hospital, unlike the one where Kent was born, even has tubs for the mommies to use during labor. Woohoo!

So how am I feeling? Excited, but simultaneously rotten because I am in the First Trimester Land of Blah. The first week or so, I was mostly just tired, but then the slight nausea and general apathy toward food began, just as it had with my first pregnancy. What a great time to be getting baskets of produce from our CSA every week, when I barely feel like cooking most of the time! Our CSA season will end at the end of July, right around the time I start to feel better. Ironic, eh?

I've been jotting down a few thoughts in my journal and have been amazed at how differently I'm thinking about pregnancy now that I know how it ends and what's in store when we meet our little baby next winter. For example, instead of taking the pregnancy test at home, first thing in the morning, with Jack waiting dutifully out in the living room, I peed on a stick in the handicapped stall of Target with Kent standing right there. I had bought the test while I was doing some shopping and letting Jack get work done in their coffeeshop, and I thought, "You know, I really don't need to wait until I get home!" So I didn't. After I read the result, then was nearly the victim of a serious prank as Kent tried to open the stall door before my pants were zipped, I walked over to where Jack was sitting and plopped the test down in front of his laptop to tell him the news. There's not quite as much magic the second time, but it's still incredibly special in a different, more comfortable way.

There's such a small "unknown" factor this time, whereas when I was pregnant the first time, everything was new and weird. I'm able to reflect in a much more seasoned way this time, a bit like rereading a good novel. Here are some of my thoughts from today:

I think the Very Hungry Caterpillar would understand what it's like to be pregnant. He's constantly hungry, so he eats a lot of fruit, and then when he's still hungry, he eats a whole bunch of crap until he feels sick, and then finally he transforms into a new creation and will never go back to what he was. Motherhood is like that.

***

You realize that pregnancy is like no other time in your life when you find yourself craving ginger ale, so your husband suddenly pulls over so that you can go into a convenience store to get some, and then when you can't find ginger ale, you walk out holding an ice cream sandwich instead. And you haven't eaten or even wanted an ice cream sandwich in about four years.

***

Our church's choir director, Lois, another woman from the choir named Leslie, and their two beautiful daughters sang today's anthem, which was a lovely harmonized arrangement of "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing." Jack and I sat in the choir loft because there was no space in the sanctuary by the time we arrived, so we got to watch them instead of just hearing them as we usually would. Leslie and her daughter Rosa stood next to each other, Leslie with her hand on Rosa's back, and Lois and her daughter Johanna did virtually the same thing, being physically close and affectionate and then blending all of their voices together. It was a beautiful testament to mothers and daughters, and I looked at them and thought, "That's why I want a daughter." I'm letting myself want a girl this time. Before I knew that Kent was a boy, I knew I would love to have a daughter, but I was so burned by my recent miscarriage that I feared wanting anything other than a healthy full-term baby. I feel so blessed to have him that I no longer worry what I would do with a son. I know what I'd do — I would have two brothers who love each other and who bring me immense joy. But I'm letting myself want a daughter anyway, and if our new baby is a boy, it's a boy. The miracle of children is that we expand our hearts to love them in whatever form they join us, whether by birth or adoption, whether boy or girl, healthy or sick, whether they're what we expected or wildly different from any mental image we ever had.

I can't wait to see Kent as a big brother. He seems to understand that there's a baby in my belly, though I doubt any almost-2-year-old *really* understands what that means. He'll point to my belly and say, "Baby come OUT!" at which point I generally remind him that the baby has to grow and that he'll get to meet his little brother or sister soon enough. As the time gets closer, we plan to do a lot more to ease his transition into big brotherhood, but right now, it's still fairly abstract for all of us. Incidentally, if any of you has a suggestion for books/websites geared toward non-first-time parents, with info about introducing siblings or even "refresher" info about what to expect during your second pregnancy when it's not so much of a mystery, I'd really appreciate it.

Since Kent's pseudonym was "X" before we found out he was a boy, we had to pick another pseudonym for this baby. Jack suggested "Beta," and I found it appropriately nerdy. So s/he will be referred to as Beta until we know more about the identity of our tiny babe.

Baby. Again. Happy.

Labels: belly, Beta, church, Freude, Kent

• posted by erica 6/14/2009 09:26:00 PM
•  11 comments

Everything in the garden is still growing well, but while we were gone this past weekend, the tomatoes went nuts and decided to pull their cages over. The weight of all the branches and new tomatoes is too much for the tiny cages, apparently, and there's no way for me to prop them up unless I put a bunch of stakes all over the place. I decided just to leave them all crazy, in true "experiment" fashion.


Here's a close-up shot of the Superfantastic plant, which is attempting to pull its cage completely over the edge of the bed. We got our first reddish tomato from this plant a couple of days ago, and it's ripening happily on the counter with a handful of cherry tomatoes.


I can't get over how different the Brandywine tomatoes look, all squatty, with their very pointy leaves at the top of each fruit. There are about 15 of various sizes all over the plant at this point. Yay!


Kent's still having a lovely time helping. He only picks the tomatoes that aren't green anymore, but today, that meant he picked one that was a slightly greenish shade of yellow. Eh, it'll still ripen on the counter.


Check out the sunflower. It opened up on our arrival back home, and Kent is thrilled to pieces. He keeps saying, "K eat SUNFLAAAAAHHHHHHH!" I guess since we're eating everything else in the garden, he thinks this is edible too. I wonder what he'll do if it makes it to seeds and I hand him a pile of sunflower seeds.

Some of the eggplants are getting really big, but we still only have the one pepper, which my grandmother informs me is NOT a bell pepper, as I suspected. Her best guess is a banana pepper. Oh well. We can still eat it, and our CSA has no shortage of bell peppers for us for June and July. I also picked the first okra a couple of days ago but I still haven't eaten it yet. Soon, I think. Maybe tonight.

Labels: flora, greening, Kent, photography

• posted by erica 6/10/2009 09:20:00 AM
•  4 comments