On moving on

I find it really exhausting to make trip posts after I've gotten home. There's so much involved in unpacking, getting back into the routine of daily living, and all that goes along with that, that it's difficult for me to find time to make the detailed posts I'd like to make about our travels and all the friends and family we've gotten to share time with. I made posts about the first few days of our Spring Tour '09, but the thought of sitting down and writing long posts about our time in Winston-Salem and West Virginia is weighing me down. Nearly three weeks after we've returned home seems a bit long to wait to write this stuff anyway. So I'm letting it go. I feel an obligation to blog these trips in great detail because so many of the people we visit read my blog, and I know it means a lot to you guys to get mentioned and see photos here. I just can't do it, and I hope that's okay. Heck, it's my blog, right? So yes, it's okay.

My life is mowing me down right now. Kent falls apart when I say the wrong word or put away something he said he was finished with, like his juice. Right now, he says no to everything I ask, whether or not he means it. And it's not a defiant, "No!!" like you'd imagine from a spirited toddler. It's just very matter-of-fact, the same way he *used* to say no when he really meant it. He hardly says yes anymore. I've gotten pretty good at inferring when he means no and when he doesn't, but it's tough when I make the wrong call and then he goes to pieces.

We're also in the process of weaning right now, which has me feeling all kinds of nutty/bad/indescribable feelings. I've felt for a couple of months like it was time for me to be done with it, even though I know Kent would nurse until he was 3 or 4 if I let him. I'm always the first to tell my fellow nursing moms that nursing is a two-way street, and both mother and child have to accept it and want to continue for the relationship to work.

Now that I'm facing this difficult situation, though, I'm kind of a mess. I feel anxious, sad, agitated around him but more agitated when I'm away from him, apprehensive about his sleep since he has a *very* strong nursing-to-sleep association... he's still nursing once or twice a day, because I don't know how to get him down for a nap otherwise and we had a pretty rough day when I tried to put him down without it, but Jack is handling putting him to bed now. Last night, I went out to dinner with my friends, and it was the first time I didn't nurse him after his bath and wasn't there to tell him goodnight. I haven't had much of an appetite for the last couple of days. And I just haven't felt at all like me.

I feel like depression is making its way into my soul, when I should be celebrating this milestone of his growing up. I should be celebrating that I'm getting my body back. But it turns out not to be that simple at all.

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Erica bless your heart. eq
And don't worry about the eq...I was trying to enter the funny password...
= ) stegnoma!!
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